By now you’ve probably heard this story, which is hilarious. It made me recall my early volleyball playing days. We had a Canadian coach for a season and for some reason he thought my name was pronounced Meegan. He’d always say it at times when it would’ve been awkward to correct him, so I never did. He finally figured it out himself and was terribly embarrassed. Story over.
TweetWhile I’ve largely ignored football over the last couple of months (Packers fans are allowed to check out during free agency because nothing ever happens), it’s time to check back in. The 2013 NFL schedule was released, the draft starts on Thursday, and we signed Clay Matthews to a long term deal. These are all good things.
Here’s what we think about the Packers schedule:
Sept. 8 – @ 49ers: This is just cruel.
Sept. 15 – Redskins: Because we didn’t have enough fun letting a QB run all over us in week 1?
Sept. 22 – @ Bengals: Ginger QB vs. Ginger Punter.
Sept . 29 – BYE: Having a bye week in September is pointless. POINTLESS.
Oct. 6 – Lions: I’m ok with our first division game being against the island of misfit toys.
Oct. 13 – @ Ravens: This is my favorite game on the schedule. Not because I’m particularly thrilled to be playing the reigning Super Bowl champs, but because it’s in Baltimore, which happens to be real close to D.C., which happens to be where I live so hopefully I’ll get to go to this one.
Oct. 20 – Browns: Oh hey, an easy game! Oh hey, our only easy game!
Oct. 27 – @ Vikings: Hopefully by this point in the season someone else has figured out how to stop AP so we can just copy their plan.
Nov. 4 – Bears: MNF. Bears at Lambeau. This should be fun.
Nov. 10 – Eagles: I have no idea what to make of the Iggles this year, but this could probably pass for our 2nd easiest game on the schedule. Unfortunately, I hate easy games just as much as hard games because they are all set traps waiting to snap.
Nov. 17 – @ Giants: 3rd year in a row we play @ NYG. It hasn’t usually ended well.
Nov. 24 – Vikings: Greg Jennings boo fest.
Nov. 28 – @ Lions: Thanksgiving in Detroit…too predictable. I love football on holidays, but not when it’s my team playing.
Dec. 8 – Falcons: We’ve played @ Atlanta several times recently so I’m happy they are finally making the trek north this year. I’m even more happy that they are coming in December. He didn’t get the nickname Matty Ice because he likes playing in cold weather.
Dec. 15 – @ Cowboys: This one is interesting. The Cowboys might still be in their routine hot streak at this point, but more likely this game will be played during their meltdown phase. Fine by me.
Dec. 22 – Steelers: Awesome. I love playing really physical teams at the end of the season…
Dec. 29 – @ Bears: …especially when followed by another hyper-physical team. Ugh.
TweetIt’s an exciting week. Two historic events converging in the same week: the start of NFL free agency and a Papal conclave. While the Catholic Cardinals are locked in the Sistene Chapel playing with fire, NFL free agents are probably out at the club playing with guns. But these two events actually have a lot in common. Let’s break it down:
1. Old Age. Free agency and the Papacy are all about age. Does a player have something left in his tank or is he past his prime? Can we keep this Pope alive for a few years? The golden age in football is under 30. The golden age in Papacy is under 80.
2. Smoke and Mirrors. The vatican has real smoke (and by real, I mean manufactured smoke that is turned white or black to eliminate any confusion about a Pope being elected) and more than a few magic tricks up their sleeve. NFL free agency is all smoke and mirrors in the metaphorical sense.
3. Hail Mary. I couldn’t resist.
It’s all about the cap.
4. Cap Room. This is the magic number in the NFL (a.k.a. what baseball needs if you ever want the Yankees to be on a level playing field). Catholic Cardinals have caps too. As the saying goes, the Cardinal with the most cap room will be elected Pope.
5. You don’t win in March. Free agency is evaluated several years down the road. Big winners in March are often big losers in Sept.-Dec. [See: 2013 Miami Dolphins or Redskins entire free agency history]. Popes are basically evaluated after they die so we’ll have to wait a while on that too.
6. It’s all about old white men. At the end of the day, old white men are going to choose a Pope and old white men are going to choose who they spend money on in free agency.
7. Cardinals. The NFL has Cardinals. They wear red and never score. The Vatican has Cardinals. They wear red and never score.
8. Agents. An NFL player is only as good as his PR agent’s ability to sweep the dirt under the rug and keep it there. A Pope is only as good as his personal butler’s ability to keep a secret.
9. Retirement. Not feeling the love you expected on the open market? Just retire! Apparently that’s an option for the Pope now. The Pope Emeritus gets to go live in a castle before returning to a convent apartment. NFL players can move to Florida, join the concussion lawsuit, and be broke in 3 months.
10. Bribes & Groupies. Let’s just say the NFL and Vatican have a lot of both.
11. Guaranteed Contracts. The Pope has the upper hand in this one — he is elected for life. An NFL free agent can only dream of that kind of job security.
12. Jay Cutler’s bad attitude. No matter who is elected Pope or where a free agent lands, there is one thing we can be sure of: Jay will have a bad attitude about it.
Tweet…I watch this video. It was one of the happiest sports moments of my life. Second only to this. People who say baseball is boring have never experienced a win-or-go-home, bottom-9th, tied-up, hold-your-breath-on-every-pitch kind of game. I was there. It wasn’t boring.
[I especially love this particular clip because it's the radio announcer's unbelievable call layered over the video feed.]
Jayson Werth Homerun Game 4 NLDS from TJ Cooney on Vimeo.
Of course, we won’t talk about what happened the next night in game 5. It was bad. Very, very bad.
Right now, I’m sad because football is months away (and I’m 100% tired of hearing draft/trade/free agent speculation), March Madness hasn’t started, and baseball is so close, yet so far.
TweetIn honor of Donald Driver’s retirement today (now officially Donald Driver Day in Wisconsin), everyone should watch this play. A class act on and off the field, one of our all-time favorites. He will be greatly missed.
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In our humble opinion, the best, the good, the bad and the ugly commercials from Super Bowl XLVII.
The Best:
Coca Cola: Security Cameras
Why we love it: it’s aired before, but it was the feel-good commercial of the night and far superior to the other Coke commercial
Chances we will buy this product: 0% because we don’t believe in carbonated beverages
NFL: Thank you for being a fan
You can watch it here.
Why we love it: we want an NFL player to be delivered to our houses to play card games and do some leaf-blowing
Chances we will buy this product: yeah, we’d buy the NFL
NFL Network: Leon Sandcastle
Why we love it: “Looks like an ugly Deon Sanders”
Chances we will buy this product: yeah, we’d buy the NFL Network too
Dodge: God Made a Farmer
Why we love it: It spoke to our midwestern sensibilities. If this was a political ad, we totally would have voted for the farmers…and we haven’t even gotten to Paul Harvey and the pretty photography yet.
Chances we will buy this product: 1% – would have been 0% save for Paul Harvey
Tide: Miracle Stain
Why we love it: We do laundry, and we would have washed that jersey too.
Chances we will buy this product: 100% see above
Audi: Prom
Why we like it: the supportive parents, the good music, the black eye and the excellent tagline
Chances we will buy this product: 100% if we were in the market for a new car
Oreo: Whisper Fight
Why we like it: we love oreos and the part where the cop whispers in the megaphone is pretty good
Chances we will buy this product: 100%
Skechers: Man vs. Cheetah
Why we like it: we could watch the part where the human runs onto the scene all day
Chances we will buy this product: we would definitely buy a cheetah, probably not the shoes
Doritos: Fashionista Dad
Why we like it: Destroying a wedding dress with gross dorito cheese.
Chances we will buy this product: See *gross dorito cheese.
Jeep: Whole Again
Why we like it: We’re down for anything that supports our troops. But, usually these make me cry, this one didn’t. I blame Oprah.
Chances we will buy this product: I’m already married to a vet….but the car? Nah.
The Bad:
Budweiser: Clydesdales Brotherhood
Why we didn’t love it: Everyone else did, but we thought it would have been better [funnier] if the horse had run over the guy in the end.
Chances we buy this product: 5% – maybe if it was the only item left in the liquor store
The Ugly:
Calvin Klein: Underwear Man
Why we didn’t love it: We’ve been watching men who are actually strong play football all season. A model who goes to the gym and is on a diet doesn’t do it for us.
Chances we will buy this product: zilch.
Go Daddy: The Match
Why we hated it: Ew, just ew.
Chances we buy this product: 0%
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Winners
There were a lot of Beyonces on the stage during the halftime show and they all killed it.
Anquan Boldin is a beast.
There were at least three Joe Flacco passes I thought he was just throwing away that turned into deep completions. He’s very sneaky.
Paul Harvey voiceover > Oprah voiceover.
Audi wins for a great prom night commercial and then for making fun of their competitor with the tweet of the night after the lights went out at the Mercedes Benz Superdome:
“@Audi: Sending some LEDs to the @MBUSA Superdome right now…”
Jacoby Jones pretty much put the game away with his kickoff return on the first play of the 2nd half…
Losers
…but then the lights went out at the Superdome.
That’s embarrassing. I don’t care what anyone says, football, like most sports, is a game of momentum, and you can’t tell me that 34-minute delay had nothing to do with the huge momentum swing that immediately followed.
Ray Lewis is a lot like the previous several Super Bowl halftime performers: past their prime.
It’s a shame that “the greatest receiver to ever play the game” still doesn’t have a Super Bowl ring. CC: Randy Moss.
There’s always going to be a controversial call, but I hate it when the end of a good game is tainted. We say, mutual contact, good no call.
Alicia Keys went all jazz club on the national anthem, and I hated it. She was completely shown up by Jennifer Hudson and the Newton kids. Speaking of which, none of this would have happened if our anthem was “God Bless America” — a far superior song to the “Star-Spangled Banner.”
Jim Harbaugh got out-coached at the end of the game and severely out-classed after the game.
TweetSo….13.5 out of 42. Our accuracy rate isn’t great.
1. Aaron Rodgers won’t be the regular season MVP, but he will be the Super Bowl MVP.
2. Tim Tebow will not start a game. [What an utter debacle.]
3. Matt Flynn will start a game. [Better luck next year with your new team?]
4. Sean Payton will improve his golf game by several strokes. [I have seen no pics of Payton playing golf...so I'm going to say this is a no.]
5. St. Louis will win their first game in October, their second in November, and their third in December.
6. Green Bay will lose their first game in October, their second in November, and their third in December.
7. The highlight of the Miami Dolphins season will be reruns of Hard Knocks. [The Dolphins made some progress this year, but not enough to top the pre-season show.]
8. The Eagles will miss the playoffs, but Andy Reid will win just enough games to keep his job. [Well, we were half right.]
9. The Rookie of the Year will not be a quarterback. [Congrats RG3, too bad for us.]
10. Cooper Manning will finally make his NFL debut.
11. The Chargers will win the AFC West.
12. The New England Patriots won’t win a playoff game.
13. Replacement refs will ultimately be replaced with Ed Hochuli robots.
14. RG3 will win fewer games than Andrew Luck. [Luck, 11-5; RG3, 10-6]
15. Jason Witten will finish the season without a spleen. [Witten set a record this year for receptions by a tight end. So....]
16. Cam Newton will have more rushing yards than DeAngelo Williams. [Cam = 741 yards, Williams = 737. Wow, that's pathetic.]
17. Halfway through the season, Peyton Manning will remember that he doesn’t like playing outdoors and retire.
18. ESPN will mention Tim Tebow after every Jets game, whether he played or not. [I think ESPN ruined his career with the Jets and their reputation. Nicely done.]
19. Darren McFadden will lead the league in rushing yards. [McFadden tied Ryan Matthews for 27th in rushing yards this season. Oops.]
20. Dez Bryant will ditch his handlers and miss the team plane at least once.
21. Both NFC wildcards will come from the NFC North.
22. The Super Bowl halftime show will not be performed by an AARP member. [Beyonce!]
23. Only one Manning brother will make the playoffs. Hint: It’s not Cooper. [Look! We got one right!]
24. After suffering several losses, Rex Ryan will find comfort in snacks and begin working on his 2nd career playing Santa Claus at the local mall. [If the Jets don't turn it around next year, Ryan will need this as a fall back.]
25. Skip Bayless will flee the country after Jonathan Vilma puts a bounty on his head. [If only...]
26. All three teams that wear silver on Thanksgiving will win their games.
27. Roger Goodell will institute a new rule: Defenders are required to help opposing players up and apologize after tackling them. [We're getting close, right?]
28. The NFC East will be the toughest division in football, just like it has been the last 3-4 years. Oh wait… [Yeah....the Giants didn't even make the playoffs.]
29. The Cowboys will lose all four of their prime time games. [Got a little stingy with this one.]
30. Someone will die in an NFL stadium. Oh, wait… [True.]
31. Brett Favre will discuss his penis in open court. The world will shudder.
32. An injury will be blamed on the replacement refs.
33. The Rams will have the first pick in the 2013 NFL Draft.
34. The highlight of Romeo Crennel’s 2012 season will be the Chiefs 2011 victory over the Packers. [Considering how the year went for the Chiefs and Crennel, this is almost cruel to joke about now.]
35. After an epic 5-touchdown performance, Marshawn Lynch will overdose on skittles.
36. After Soldier Field is deemed inoperable in week 5, the Bears move all of their remaining games to the North Shore Pop Warner Field.
37. None of the teams from the 2011 NFC and AFC championship games will play in the 2012 championship games. [The only way we could've been more wrong on this one is if the Giants had showed up, because everyone else repeated.]
38. Bill Belichick will blame a loss on his decision to keep his sweatshirt sleeves fully intact.
39. Andy Dalton will be kicked out of the league after officials realize he doesn’t have a soul. Tim Masthay will be allowed to stay upon confession that his hair is not naturally red.
40. Last teams in: Lions, Broncos.
41. First teams out: Eagles, Bengals.
42. To clear their good name of the Saints scandal, Bounty Paper Towels will hold a demonstration in Minnesota to prove that their paper towels can hold more marbles than the roof of the Metrodome without collapsing. [We hear this is still in the works.]
13.5 / 42
TweetLife without football = boring. It’s been 2 long weeks, and my light at the end of the tunnel is a 49ers/Ravens Super Bowl followed by more tunnel? Please, no.
Here are all the reasons we aren’t cheering for the 49ers:
- Randy Moss. Ew.
- John > Jim.
- I’m still bitter over our 1998 playoff loss to the 49ers when Jerry Rice’s fumble wasn’t called a fumble. I’m also still not accepting that our 2012 playoff loss happened. Sure we beat them in the playoffs in 95, 96 and 97, but they got the last 2 and that sucks.
And here are all the reasons I probably wouldn’t be cheering for the Ravens if they were playing any other team not named the Vikings, Bears, Lions, Seahawks or Cowboys:
- Ray Lewis murders people.
- Ray Lewis cheats.
- Joe Flacco is boring. Even his dad thinks so.
- Art Modell stole the Ravens from Cleveland.
- Baltimore has a drug problem.
And here is the one reason we are cheering for the Ravens:
- Anquan Boldin is a beast, ie this:
Then he had his jaw wired shut and played the next game. Stupid hardcore.
TweetWinners
At least one team I can cheer for made it to the big show. The Ravens open as five point underdogs, but I wouldn’t count out a team that beat the Broncos and Pats to get in.
49ers: I’m not really sure I can handle two more weeks of Jim’s gum chewing and whining. And this:
Losers
They did it a little later than usual, but true to form, the Falcons choked. Why aren’t you throwing to Tony Gonzalez on a 4th down that decides the game? Poor, poor Tony.
I’m not exactly excited to hear about the Harbaugh brothers for the next 2 weeks, but anything is better than another Super Bowl featuring the Patriots.
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